personal development

Search and Rescue

~ The Active Listener, Inc. ~ 4 Comments

By Suzanne Wiggins

Nearly four years ago I undertook a mission to dramatically change my life. I have changed in so many ways, but the mission is far from complete.

As I was driving home last night I reflected on the last few years; the lessons I’ve learned, the areas I’ve stumbled, the tough decisions I’ve made, the joy I’ve found and I began to re-evaluate the actual objective of my mission.

I’ve discovered that a mission often seems clear and specific at the onset, but in actuality it is extremely ambiguous with only the smallest amount of direction or instruction available. As we make progress, additional information is provided on a “need to know” basis. I find this to be particularly true since an answer, a realization, or a lesson can be presented to me in various ways on several occasions, but until I’m ready or need to know in order to move forward, it will likely remain invisible or incomprehensible to me.

During my reflection on life and purpose, I realized that I often attempt to control that which I have no control over. I do this by strategizing, anticipating, worrying or planning my response to potential situations. In one of those moments of, “I knew this, but just wasn’t ready to fully comprehend it,” I realized I don’t have to behave as I think I should, or in a way I believe would affect a particular outcome, or in any way that is influenced by an external expectation. Suddenly I began to play out a familiar scenario in my mind and as I imagined myself just sitting in the moment without a plan or expectation, I felt very calm and peaceful inside. What a relief it was to think I could just be “authentically me” in every situation without having to worry if it’s how I should be, or how I’m expected to be, or the right way to be, or, or, or.

So what does it mean to be “authentically me?” What if we were to objectively look at who we are as people and accept that our teachers may not have been particularly skilled in the subjects they taught? With this realization could we step back and accept responsibility for finding a way to relearn the skills or characteristics we believe we fall short with – patience, positivity, work ethic, tolerance, love, acceptance, listening, expressing, procrastination, fitness, whatever it may be?

Those questions led me to the realization that my mission is truly about searching for my authentic self. I’m searching for Suzanne and intend to rescue her from the confines of old beliefs, inaccurate information, lack of knowledge, and unrealized potential, and then release her back into the wild. Honestly, 2015 looks to be a very interesting year. I would love to hear about your mission.

We often become what we believe ourselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. When I believe I can, I acquire the ability to do it, even if I didn’t have it in the beginning.           ~ Ghandi

 

 

Too Cheap For Love

~ The Active Listener, Inc. ~ 5 Comments

By Suzanne Wiggins

According to an email I received today, when it comes to finding love, I’m screwed. It’s embarrassing to admit, but about a year into my journey to change my life I signed up for several e-newsletters claiming I could: “Be Irresistible (.com)”, “Catch Him and Keep Him (.com)”, and “Have the Relationship I/You Want (.com)”.  At first I found the tidbits of information they provided to be helpful. After all, I had no clue how to interpret men’s behavior unless of course it was in a work related context. Oh, if only love were as simple as business.

A few months after the emails began to arrive I started feeling an underlying sense of irritation with each newsletter I read. I tried to let it go by telling myself to take what helped and ignore the rest. My growing hostility resulted in moving the emails into a separate Inbox tab so I wouldn’t have to see them until I was emotionally prepared. Well today I was just bored. I opened my email and discovered I had no new messages other than 2 items in my “love advice” tab. I should have shut my laptop and walked away, instead I’m sitting here mad as hell.

It turns out there are a bunch of “secrets” and “tricks” that a person has to know in order to find real love. And the kicker  – these secrets can only be had by buying them. To date, my refusal to pay for information being held captive by a handful of “love experts” has kept me from: “Making Him See Me As the ONE” “Getting Him Literally Addicted to Me”, knowing the “7 Tools Guaranteed to Make Him Mine Forever (30% off)”, “The Shocking Secret of Creating Romance With a Man”, “The #1 Thing that Makes Men Fall In Love”, “One Simple Trick to Cure a Breakup”, “What NOT To Do If He’s Acting Cold and Distant”, “The 30 Second Daily Trick That Makes Him NEED You (Me)”, “The Secret to Getting AND Staying On His Mind” “The Desire Trick Men Can’t Resist”, “The Secret P Word that Determines Who You Will End Up With”, and on and on and on. And if you’re married don’t despair, handing  money over to these “experts” can also help you improve or even save your marriage.

So what’s a person to do when they’re too cheap for love? Well you can buy used copies of books on Amazon. This was my first course of action prior to signing up for the newsletters. Since everyone pays for the book they are more agreeable to giving the secrets away. One of the first books I ordered was “He’s Just Not That Into You.” I still get depressed when I see it sitting in the pile on my closet shelf because it reminds me of how often in “the spirit of optimism” we can excuse bad behavior or interpret it as hopeful signs of possibility. The book did, however, present one of my favorite nuggets of wisdom as provided by Liz Tuccillo.

 “There is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn’t ever feel like I’m just waiting around for some guy to ask me out.”

If you’ve read my earlier posts, you won’t be surprised by my next suggestion of looking to Pinterest for inspiration. I avoided Pinterest for years having developed an aversion due to the constant stream of “Pins” clogging up my Facebook news feed (which I seldom check.) I wasn’t interested in knowing what sofa my third grade teacher was thinking of buying or what bridesmaid dress a friend’s daughter was considering given I wouldn’t be invited to the wedding. But once I grudgingly opened an account to search for healthy recipes, the flood gates were opened. The fourth or fifth “board” I created was my Guidebook to Love which currently has 181 pins. Over the past year I’ve moved some pins to other boards and deleted those which just made me feel bad. I don’t reference this board often, but when I do it always reveals some of the “secrets” to finding love:

  • The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others
  • If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth you’ve already forgotten your value
  • Don’t look for love. Quietly give it away and let it find you back.
  • If you don’t love yourself you’ll always be chasing people who don’t love you either
  • Just because someone desires you doesn’t mean they value you
  • Nerd girls are the world’s greatest under-utilized romantic resource

Sadly, I’m convinced that women are paying hundreds, if not thousands of dollars each year attempting to discover that ONE secret or trick that will change their luck in love. For anyone reading this post I’ll give you my secret for free ~ No one will ever love us more than we love ourselves.

“The secret of attraction is to love yourself. Attractive people neither judge themselves nor others. They are open to gestures of love. They think about love,  and express their love in every action. They know that love is not a mere sentiment, but the ultimate truth at the heart of the Universe.” ~ Deepak Chopra